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Thursday, September 8th, 2005

Time:11:09 pm.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, September 1st, 2005

Subject:If you read me, please read this
Time:1:36 pm.
Mood: determined.

I feel strange about doing this, but I feel it's important. While much of the news is dedicated clean up and gas prices, it is apparently slipping by the media just how bad the continuing disaster is in New Orleans. I urge you all to read this persons journal and spread it as far as you can. This individual is on the ground, and this is the real information that we as citizens need to know now.

A warning: This is intense, and this is bad.  If you don't want to explain it to the kids, don't let them read it. 


<a href=http://www.livejournal.com/users/interdictor>Interdictor</a>

 still in New Orleans.


Please read, please share. 

Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:If you read me, please read this
Time:1:33 pm.
Mood: determined.

I feel strange about doing this, but I feel it's important. While much of the news is dedicated clean up and gas prices, it is apparently slipping by the media just how bad the continuing disaster is in New Orleans. I urge you all to read this persons journal and spread it as far as you can. This individual is on the ground, and this is the real information that we as citizens need to know now.

A warning: This is intense, and this is bad.  If you don't want to explain it to the kids, don't let them read it. 


<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/interdictor/">Interdictor</a>, still in New Orleans.


Please read, please share. 

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:appreciation in a difficult time
Time:11:15 am.
Mood: thankful.

So, I realize that that for me to put this out here as a way of communicating to friends might be a touch on the ridiculous side, given how the last time I updated was something like a year ago. I just want to let anyone know who reads this and doesn't know, that my wife and I are fine. We got out the only things the mattered and were fortunate enough to travel with four friends, so we've been keeping each other's spirits up as well as can be expected.

We've established contact with the vast majority of our friends and neighbors with a few glaring exceptions, which only manages to make more palpable the increasingly grim situation in back home. It's like the worst possible situation, and the only thing that could have made it worse just happened somewhere else a few miles down the coast. I better keep this short and sweet.

I just want to say to everyone who reached out and asked how we were, who showed concern for our well-being: Thank you.

I mean it when I say that it has been as much the reaction of those who were less effected (I think we will come to discover that no matter how far removed, we will all be feeling the shockwaves of this for some time to come) as the support of my wife, and those who we escaped with that has given us strength. I suppose it must have something to do with the fact that I have never been one of those people on the news (not really, don't look for me), but the out-pouring of support has been almost non-stop. Even as we speak my in-laws are bringing us clothes and various other items collected from co-workers.

I just wanted to get out to there that we offer you all our sincerest thanks. I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world right now.

Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, February 18th, 2005

Subject:questions questions questions
Time:2:29 pm.
Mood:i love you all, my children.
actually...there is only one...does anyone know the proper name for China's Intelligence Agency?  I have no idea, and really havent the will to go through all the news articles on google about chinese espionage...since apparently thats all they do...is espion.  Or whatever the verb there would be.  at anyrate, if anyone still glances at this, and knows the answer, I'll give you a coookie the next time I see you.  And not one of those cheap cookies, either.  Nope, gourmet cookie, all the way.  It's nothing but bright lights and adoration for the one who can answer my riddle. 

in other news, I like writing sci-fi, because it turns out you can just make shit up, and most people wont know the difference.  I'm pretty sure most of my physicist and engineering friends (cuz, you know, all i do is hang out with physicists all day.  Shout out to my main cyborg, Dr. Hawking) would have choice words with me if they saw what i was doing with concepts (as i understand them, which i do not) of entropy and what not. 

I'd stick to historical fiction...but it turns out it's pretty boring, and once you decide to try to make things accurate the research never stops and the wrting never starts.  I am in awe of you, bill pressfield, if that is your real name.  How did you manage to find all that crap out about various things?  My theory is your making it all up and expecting the vast majority of literary critics and readers of fiction alike not to delve too deeply into your theories about thermopylae...assuming I spelled that correctly.  Doubtful, given my dubious spelling of the work cookie in the first paragraph. 

In other news, there really isnt any other news.  Apparently I'm just as unqualified for good jobs in new orleans as I am up here (i say after exactly one rejection) but i'm still fairly confident I can find shitty jobs down there.  I have to be honest, at this stage of the game, I'm only leaving cuz i'm cold all the time.  I could probably justify this move if I thought long enough, but you know what, the real reason is that it is stupidly cold up here, and I cant drive anywhere.  that sux.  cuz i have to drive everywhere.  Two hours driving a grand total of 20 miles the other day.  Yet there is no other way to get to where I needed to go.  Never mind that I actually didnt have to go anywhere.  Obligation.  That is my most hated nemesis.  Cursed obligation.  another reason I must escape. 

Anyway, that was a bloody useless diatribe.  The question and reward still stand.  Adios.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, December 14th, 2004

Subject:Aphrodite Jones didn't talk about this
Time:1:56 am.
Mood: cold.

While Scott Peterson's face, case, mistress, and history have been imbedded into our collective consciouss for all eternity, this little tidbit managed to slip by unnoticed by our crack American Free Press.

Can't win all the time, I guess.

Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, December 13th, 2004

Subject:Aphrodite Jones
Time:7:05 pm.
Mood: jubilant.
I have a new show to watch. Everyday. Without fail.

That's right, Mr. O'Reilly, you have a convert. I will add to your ratings. I will tell people I watch you, and I will encourage others to.

Because your show is the funniest thing I have ever watched.

Now, maybe I'm beating a dead horse, but the man is great. I'm not telling you how to think, I'm not. I'm just saying, if you think differently you are wrong, and if you do agree with me you should accept no one else's view. Ever. That's great. I love that.

I don't know how I missed it. I've seen his show before, and it filled me with overwhelming rage. So I would change the channel. But as I watch his ego ooze out of my television like so much pornographic posturing, I see now that it couldn't possibly be funnier.

Now, he, like ever other news agency for the last I don't even know how long but it's fucking ridiculous, is talking about Scott Peterson. I don't really like talking about this situation. I've sort of been pretending it isn't going on. Because it really makes me angry.

It makes me angry that this wretched human being did what he did. To think of a more selfish, despicable, inexcusable act would be difficult. I think I can speak for virtually everyone when I say finding a reason to justify his continued existence would be difficult.

It also makes me angry that the media chose this case to blow up. Everyday woman and children are beaten, abused, exploited and killed. It happens in every city, in every country in the world. It happens at the behest of politicians, businessmen, soldiers, and individual monsters. It happens for so many reasons I couldn't really name them, and for no reason at all. So what made this case so special that it deserved our attention for months on end, when none of these other case's did.

Okay, sorry...I could just go on and on, but there's a reason I don't really like talking about it. People have already talked about it enough. Enough media personalities and newsmen have made easy careers off of this. Enough multi-nationals have made money off of it.

Back to Mr. O'Reilly. Did you know that he has a tarty little Trenton whore of a reporter that assists him in his news scrounging? Do you know what her name is? *Points up to the subject line* I swear to God. Now, I'm not saying she's actually a prostitute, I'm just saying she dresses like one, and Bill O'Reilly I'm certain is smart enough to have learned his lesson after the whole messy lawsuit scandal thing. Everybody's happy.

Of course...maybe not. After all, and again, I swear, he referred to the crime that Scott Peterson comitted as "patricide". Now...I know he hates intellectuals and all. But patricide? I mean it's really easy. pater-father. infant-baby. infanticide, patricide. Well, listen, I'll let you guys figure it out.

I know, cheap shot. He just misspoke. I'm sure he knows he made the mistake. Just sure of it. He is very bright. For instance, he knows that most people don't care about having to prove a crime. Really. He said that. I don't think anybody cares about proving it. He said that. Just wonderful. This of course was a reference to something or other that Bill Clinton did. 5 years out and Clinton is still fair game. Ah well, those lousy reporters are always harping on all that shit Bush does...I mean did. He doesn't do it anymore. Not for...at least a week. So just let it go alright.

Anyway, I'm leaving the No Spin Zone. But I promise I'll be back.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004

Subject:it makes me laugh that there is a mood descriptive for indescribable
Time:12:50 am.
Mood: indescribable.
Okay...so, I'm writing this while watching CNN. First off, let me say that either CNN is really nervous after the whole premature calling situation last time...or there really is a liberal bias on this network. I don't disagree with the bias, I just think it might be there. Wolf Blitzer really is pushing quite hard for Kerry in some of these hypotheticals.

-moments later!-

Green state? Wait...he just said didn't anticipate that there would be a state too close to call. I mean seriously...you made up a fucking graphic for it...but it was unforseen? Clearly not. green state...what a bunch of shit.

Okay...so lets say...as it appears to be getting very close in Ohio. Lawyers are getting dragged out apparently. And Kerry might actually win this time. I don't know how I feel about this. I feel like there is a pretty big ideological rift right now. "Liberals" and "Conservatives" are at each others throats, or so it seems to me. And neither guy has been much of a uniter. Still, apparently Bush is really kicking ass in the popular vote. So what if Kerry wins, right? after the dust settles, Kerry somehow comes out on top of this country where he was really blasted in the popular vote.

HAHAHAHAHAH! and now...now Iowa wont even be called till wednesday.

So I only started watching this for a few minutes, and it's god damn retarded.

Mary seems to think Wolf Blitzer is about to go on some kind of rampage.

Fuck it. I don't care who wins. I'm gonna hafta to go with south park on this one. It's between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. So who fucking cares.

-changes the channel, completely disinterested in what happens with the Supreme Court-

Thank God for GTA:SA.

P.S. did anyone else notice that the Harvey Birdman Marathon was the same episode played over and over again?

How strange.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, October 24th, 2004

Subject:only i would update for this.
Time:3:31 pm.
Mood: amused.
okay...sooooo...i haven't bothered with this thing in a while. And everyone I know has access to cnn.com...none the less I feel compelled to note this in a public fashion. I am especially interested in the part about the funeral.

Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, March 4th, 2004

Subject:I really do make a mean pie.
Time:11:06 am.
Mood: mischievous.
Titus Andronicus
Remind me to stay on your good side.

What is Your Shakespearian Tragic Flaw?
brought to you by Quizilla
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, February 25th, 2004

Subject:Christ, theater 1, on your left
Time:4:24 pm.
So, I love a disclaimer. 1) I only care about "the passion" in so far as there is a controversy and I am drawn to them like a fly is drawn to shit. 2) while I like Jesus and support him as a revolutionary thinker, I am not gonna get all wet in the shorts over the whole "son of God" thing, since lots of people make that claim and I am not prepared to acknowledge that all the evidence is in. 3) Mel Gibson can kiss my ass for a variety of reasons, his little Jesus fan boy thing being one of them.

That said, why are people so stupid about Jesus? I mean really. IG-NO-RANT! big time. What does the New York Daily News have to say about it? Well, apparently it was too gory. Now...yes, the NY Daily News is a rag, not fit to clean my boots with, but still. This is a new low. Too gory? IT'S THE CRUCIXION YOU ASS CLOWN! what the hell did you expect? Well...I like Jesus, but I shore wish he'd picked a better way to die. Well, it probably should have stopped here. But apparently this inspired a great deal of debate about whether this idiots movie was too bloody for the kiddies. So how sanitized should religion be? As sanitized as newspapers? Politics? Church? Come on you guys, this is life. It's bruttish nasty and short. But it's what we get. We ignore the bad stuff and you ignore the good stuff too. We look at the cross and it means nothing to us. To be fair, we've discussed my religious hang ups, but I mean it means nothing to your average true believer. There is no challenge, no pain, no suffering, no redemption. There is nothing left after we get done bleaching it that Jesus, or any prophet, or any religious leader would really try to get across. It's too gory? I'm still amazed. So here is a suggestion that I loved. Forget the cross. It has, sadly, lost all meaning to our culture. Let's really get across what this guy did, or at the very least TRIED to do for us. Lets start making chains that feature Jesus in an electric chair. I know, sacrelige. That's horrible, isnt it? Well that's the fucking point people. Anyone who likes Jesus cuz he was a really nice guy really dropped the ball on the whole understanding the Bible thing. Perhaps I'm not the best spokesman for Jesus, I don't know. Clearly on even my best days I'm vaguely agnostic. But I will say this for myself. I'm trying. And unlike the vast majority of those telling me they understand the will of God (you know, cuz God is just so easy to understand, being an ineffable force of unknowable power, I am at the very least willing to get my spiritual hands dirty.

Too gory. What an ass clown.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

Time:10:46 am.
Mood: contemplative.
So, Sunday, I go to my first day of work. Kind of. I just got hired this past saturday at a movie theater. So sunday, I go to our safety meeting. I get there at 10, the meeting commences. Things like what to do in case of fire, where exits are, where extinguishers are, etc. We finish up in about 15 minutes. So I head out. I do a few inconsequential things and bother Mary for a minute, then head to the bus. Because of Carnival the bus stop downtown is closed, so I head up a few blocks. I proceed to wait a very long time, until a bus finally shows. Well, as regular readers are aware, I'm still getting over an ear infection so the right ear is still a little iffy. As I put my dollar into the machine, the driver says (apparently repeating himself) that the bus isn't going uptown. basically, it is stopping at louisiana and freret. Those from New Orleans are already groaning, knowing what the area at louisiana and freret is like. Knowing that I have to walk up to the universities gives them a further clue. This area isn't even safe on a Sunday morning. Too bad that's my only dollar. So I'm stuck. Well, sure enough, I get dropped off at the aforementioned stop. This stop is about 2, 2 1/2 miles from my house. More, because I can already see a couple of people scoping me out (keep in mind I'm dressed up for work, fine leather jacket and all, my knife is broken t'boot). So I head up to St. Charles and hump it all the way to home. Now, obviously, I'm pissed, right? Who wouldn't be. It's cold. The parade that screwed up my trip isn't even passing yet. It's crowded, loud, and i'm hungry. Now I have to walk? Like 4 miles? this is gonna take all day. So I start power walking. Then, as I reach St. Charles, I get this notion. I'm not suddenly going to develop inhuman speed. I'm not going to get picked up and I can't catch public trans. So I'm stuck. I gotta walk. I may as well enjoy it. So I slow down, and I take it easy, and I just get there in that moment. Suddenly it's not so cold, and I'm not so hungry. At least it isn't rainy anymore, so it's actually a pretty nice day. My legs aren't even tired cuz I'm not power walking. And I'm not dwelling on how pissed I am, or the food I want to eat, or how much faster this would be if the bus had worked. And I find, when I get home, that not only was it a pleasent walk, but that I'm sorry it's over. So I had a lesson. When you are stuck, you are stuck. You may as well enjoy what you are stuck doing. Sometimes your only choice is what attitude you take towards a situation, so you may as well have fun. Now, this is obvious, maybe, to some people. It should be. We hear it all the time. But as well all of you who regularly have conversed with me in the past know, I am not the good attitude poster child. So while making a concerted effort not to toot my own horn, I really thing I had quite an insight.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, February 9th, 2004

Subject:a blow to mindfulness
Time:10:20 pm.
Mood: ditzy.
So those of you with an interest in zen may well know that one of the key themes is mindfulness. Basically this is a cool way of saying, paying attention. Do all things mindfully. Be aware.

Well today was not a banner day in mindfulness on my part. Clearly I was way too focused on a paper because I forgot just about everything else. Forgot I needed the tracking number to figure out what happened to are mysterious missing package. Forgot to return the key to the zendo (a story I shall elaborate on) and finally, forgot the computer disk on which the aforementioned paper was saved. Fortunately everything but the tracking number got worked out.
So the key thing. I go to the zendo about 3 pm today and meditate. I don't think it went very well, but it's sort of hard to quantify zazen. I finish about 3:30 at which point I go return the key to campus ministry. I then go to the library, write the vast majority of my paper, and head home. First I make a stop at the tulane library and check out a couple of books. Woo...tulane library. You aren't as pretty as mine, but you got a lot more stuff. Apparently you're also sinking which is kind of funny. anyhow, I finally get launched to home about 5:45. Keep in mind that most offices have closed an hour ago. This will be important in a minute. So I head home and get there and reach into my pocket and yank out a key. With a metal keychain with loyola emblazoned on it. Hmm...I have the key to the zendo...which means...campus ministry has my housekey. Profanity.
So I high tail it back to campus. Get to campus ministry. It's closed. Profanity! But No worries. I run over to campus safety. They are police, surely they have a master key. No...no they dont. Profanity!! So I run back to Bobet (named after the infamous eunuch. I KID!) the building with campus ministry in it. Run up to the dean of arts and sciences office. It's closed...BUT ONLY JUST BARELY. The last assistant is locking up as I get there. "Do you have a key to campus ministry?" "no" I'm boned. "But Sy Henry has one. He should be in the Jesuit Center." HOOORAY!!! So I run down there. and it's closed. PROFANITY!!!!
So I sit in the library till about 6:45, at which point i decide by the time mary gets home, I'll be home and she can let me in. I decide to make one last stop by Fr. Henry's office. AND HE'S THERE!! Kindly, after explaining my situation, he allows me access and the key exchange is done. I go home. Fast forward an hour and a half. Ring goes the cellphone. Hello, I say. Hi, is this [Joe]? Yes, I say. You don't know me, my name is [Chuck], but I found your disk in one of the computers at the library. Really, I say. Yep, he says, I turned it in at the desk but I wanted to let you know. See boys and girls, there really are cool people out there, even when you have had a very unmindful day.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, February 6th, 2004

Time:5:19 pm.
Okay...so completely off my usual bit about finding the deeper meaning (or pretending to) and political inflamation (i keep meaning to get it checked out, the ointment isn't working) I'd like to go with something a little different. Short and sweet:
Does anyone know a good recipe that for mongolian beef?
that is all, I hope I haven't disappointed anyone.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

Time:9:45 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Okay...soooooo...two issues today, forced onto my radar by CNN. One, the morning after pill and rape. Two, gay marriage.
First...apparently, in Texas, a pharmacy employee denied a woman access to legally prescribed morning after pills, despite the fact that she was raped, on the grounds that the individual felt a "moral" duty to do so. Obviously I'm going to comment on that. Next item, appointed president George Bush finds Mass. supreme court decision on marriage between two partners of the same sex "deeply disturbing." You can bet I'm going to say a thing or two about that, Georgy.
Why does our appointed executive find it distressing. Well, clearly, Jesus called him up on the red phone and reminded ol' prez that just like it sez in Matthew i'm-making-this-up, Jesus hates fags. This from the people who want you to know that Jesus hates spics, niggers, kikes and anyone else who is isn't white and christian and right wing. Oh...wait...Jesus was jewish. Oh wait, Jesus said love thy neighbor, and treat others and you wish to be treated. Oh yeah...and Jesus didn't qualify that statement with "unless you think they aren't the right color or are in love with someone of the wrong gender." That's right...Jesus would probably use up all his divine might not to smite Bush and the rest of the monkey-fucks who think hate is a good christian value.
So Bush says...I swear he said this, that activist judges could not force their arbitrary will upon the people. I'm sorry, Georgy...gay bashers...did the Mass. supreme court say YOU had to marry someone of your same gender...no. They said that others could, if they felt so inspired. Seems to me the only forcing of wills would be those who want to force homosexuals...where...back into the closet? or better yet, hanging on trees?
Okay...so Rape and morality. Let's talk about forcing. Forcing is deciding a young woman, who was forced under threat of violence into sex (i hesitate to call rape sex, but bare with me), isn't allowed to have the morning after pill because you think it's wrong. Even though it doesn't effect you. But it effects her. So I challenge anyone...ANYONE...to get back to me on this question. If you, who feel this pharmacist did the right thing, or a loved one is raped, undergoes that most horrible of experiences, please, let me know your stance on the morning after pill. Don't tell me now, because it hasn't happened to you, and you don't know. Let me know if God forbid you ever experience. Until then, I assure you, if you let me know your opinion on this I will spit in your face. And if I can't get to your face, I'll mail you the spit.

Why does it seem that the only people who are ever forcing their will on anyone are reactionary right wingers? Riddle me that.
Comments: Read 14 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

Time:9:09 pm.
Mood: discontent.
Okay, so this evening I am riding the streetcar home with a certain wife. We get to a stop and two women, clearly tourists, get on. I don't know why I mention that, but as a "local" it's my job to hate tourists. Sorry guys. Anyhow, they get on, and want a transfer to ride some bus or another. The first one pays her buck fifty and moves on. The second drops in seventy-five cents. The driver says it's seventy five more cents. "Not if I'm 66," She says, knowingly (read: snidely). This spawned an argument about what sort of documentation she was required to have to qualify for the seniors discount. Whatever the case, she didnt have it. This spawned further argument, until she finally realized that New Orleans trolly drivers have the compassion of coroners and the adapability of a brick wall (they just sort of sit there, never moving, never caring, just acting as a sort of biological cog in the streetcar machine. Nothing can disturb them, and nothing will get them to alter in the slightest). Now, at first, I thought to myself, this woman is 66 years old. If I was so venerable, I'd like to think I would have better things to get pissy about than 75 cents. Specifically I thought at the time, how cheap do you have to be to waste that much time over three quarters. I still hold to this, more or less, but then I began to think, maybe she had a limited point. Why couldn't this fellow just have taken her word for it? There is no quality control and it would cost him nothing. Or better yet, since I would never demand such charity, after all, we all have our job to do (that part was sarcastic, but since I'm typing it's hard to tell unless you know me really well), why couldn't he just examine some other document (say a valid drivers license) to determine her age. Because he is, more than a cog in the streetcar, a shining example of bureaucracy at it's very best. What? New data? Wait a second...I can't handle all that. I'm a government employee for christ's sake. This is the same sort of thing that led to my somewhat psychotic truely profane rant yesterday. It's not that they detained an innocent nun, seeking asylum. That I can to a degree comprehend. Mistakes will happen. It's that when the judge granted this nun asylum, the prosecutor immediately said she would appeal, and the nun, despite a judges ruling, was dragged off in chains, possibly to sit in prison for months or years, possibly to be deported to a country that would imprison, torture, and possibly kill this woman because she ascribed to a faith that preaches peace to all living beings. Now why did this prosecutor need to do that? Was she evil? I'd like to think not. Was she hatefull? Again, I'd like to think she would bare no grudge against a woman who is as of yet proven guilty of...well, not much as far as I can tell. No, it's because she is stupid. Just like this trolly driver was stupid. And like so very many people are stupid, unable to adjust behaviour because rules are rules and laws are laws and that's the way it is. These are the same people who would have dragged a runaway slave back to the south, not because they necessarily agreed with slavery but because the Constitution told them they had to. Now, I respect the Constitution more than perhaps any other document on Earth. I haven't read them all, but it's pretty high up there, I'm sure. None the less, some times it's okay to ignore silly laws. Really, it is. Now, clearly there is a problem here. If you decide to start ignoring laws, where will it stop. I will say this, and it is only my opinion. If you cannot figure out where it should stop, you are too stupid to be involved in any sort of enforcement of any sort of rules and should probably just follow some more insightful persons lead. Just a thought, as always I could be wrong.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Subject:And I thought I'd have nothing to say.
Time:3:48 pm.
Mood: angry.
Zazen didn't prove especially fruitful today. I hit a temporary wall which, hopefully with a bit of contemplation I can get through. And that's all the enlightened stuff I have to say.

Welcome to policestate 2004. I would like to say I am amazed at the stupidity bread by fear, but I am not. I refer to this article.
Now, I'm not saying we don't have a right to defend ourselves. But let's start with that. There is no ourselves people. This "america" bullshit you keep spouting is just that. Your forebears, like mine, didn't come from this country. Just to remind everyone. And even if we did, dont you think it's a little fucked up to wrap your entire existence up in a piece of geography. I mean it's a big fucking rock people. Get over it.
But they attacked us first, say the jackasses who can't read or dont want to.
Wrong, they didnt. We attacked them. We started by carving up land that didn't belong to us in any sense of the word, and parceling it out to people we didn't know in a manner that had little if anything to do with competent reasoning. Then we propped up dictators and denied them access to the myriad freedoms we not only take for granted, but constantly say we are fighting for. Fighting for peace? What's the matter, fighting for war too impolite. Quit bullshitting me. It's not working and it pisses me off.
So fine, justify cultural genocide and financial colonialism if that's your bag. Don't call yourself a christian, don't call yourself a good person. youre not. You're a prick and i can't think of enough bad things to wish on you. But go ahead and justify it.
But dont you fucking tell me that doing bad things to good people is justifiable. Dont tell me our behaviour as a nation is in any way shape or form appropriate. Because it's not. Guess what? Blowing up people is SOOOOO much worse than abortion. Imprisoning innocent people for no other reason than because you are too afraid to think is NOT a justification of any action whatsoever.
That's my rant. I can think of more to say, but you would just intellectualize your way out of it. You know who does that? Rapists, murderers, and abusive parents and spouses, et fucking cetera. Just to clue you in on the company you keep.
If you felt offended by this entry for any reason other than you don't like swearing or you take issue with my obvious anger management issues I do not apologize. It was directed at you go fuck yourself. Everyone else, sorry.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, January 25th, 2004

Subject:I'd like to non-attach my ear.
Time:9:00 pm.
Mood: uncomfortable.
Pretty good day today. I didn't get a chance to meditate, and frankly am not looking forward to trying. I've found it most difficult in my current surroundings. It's really amazing how loud a place can get when you are trying to to be quiet. I was thinking about this yesterday, actually. I became really frustrated while I tried to sit. there was all this noise, and I was really uncomfortable and my thoughts kept distracting me. Then I realized, after I had given up out of frustration that I had missed a very real opportunity for insight. The fact is that, in general, I would not have noticed any of the things that were driving me so crazy. Little noises would have gone unnoticed as I did three things at once, or cooked my brain over easy on the television. Little thoughts, if I had been lucky enough to have them, would have been lost in all the other noise. I would have just, as usual, coasted through existence with nothing in the way of awareness. Maybe frustration is progress.
So other than that, me and Mary went shopping, all thanks to the kindness of a certain fellow ljer who was kind enough to sacrifice many hours of her day to take us to buy food. And buy food we did. 200 dollars worth. We have so much damn food. I love options. I wish had a car to make the having of options more regular. Of course if I had a car, I would lose all respect for options because I would have them all the time. And less money to explore said options with.
My ear still hurts. I have had this ear ache for the better part of two or three weeks. Nothing has made it better. Not only do I have an infants ailment, I have the antibiotic resistant variety. My luck holds.
I really think the cable has to go. It's really espensive. It's really mind numbing. It sucks up too much of my leisure time (which I have too much of anyway, hint to would be employers, call me, hint). And I dont even have a local phone number, a fact I'm sure not lost on any of the aforementioned would be employers. And for like 50 bucks a month we can get unlimited local and long distance. Of course given our current credit rating, I'm sure there will be a 500 dollar deposit or some such nonsense.
In other news, there is no other news, so I'm going to pop off and make phone calls and read and probably go to bed whenever mary finishes. night all.
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Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Time:10:05 pm.
Mood: exanimate.
Meal at Houston's steakhouse (or whatever it is): 76.05
Tip for jack ass who messed up every single aspect of the order: 15.00
actually being the one not fuming with rage: priceless.

So yeah...we HAD 250 dollars in our account. Then we went out to dinner. Sushi? Pizza? No, houstons. for ribs. yummy. Red meat (though actually pork i guess isnt red meat?). Mary gets tuna. The hostess barely looks at us, seats us without a word and vanishes. The waiter has to SCAN my id to see if I can actually drink a johnny walker black and water, on the rocks. He forgets mary's baked potato. He forgets she wants the tomatoes, not TWO orders of fries. He forgets my barbecue sauce on the side. He doesn't know what a machiato is, so he basically gives us capucino. The tuna mary orders makes her sick. He throws out my left over ribs. Why would I want him to throw out my ribs. i told him i wanted them boxed. The other guy who brings mary the salad to go tells us, oh, we dont do to go. So they dirty this plate cuz they cant put it in a box first? So none of this is particularly infuriating, right? Except they claim to be a high class establishment. They charge me 76 dollars for a two person meal. The food really isnt THAT good. And now the service is...what...run by chimps? Bitter angry stupid chimps no less. Best part. I applied for a job there. The guy who interviewed me all but said, dont let the door hit you on the way out. I seriously could have done this job. I seriously could have done it well. I come from a place that had no host, no busboy. I did everything, and I still only messed up, at most, one part of the order. I did it maybe twice. This guy didnt so much as ask me if i wanted a refill on my coke. Why did I tip so well? I guess I'm a sucker. I mean, i could have paid my phone bill, I could have paid my rent on time, I could have paid down the credit cards. Or any number of other bills. I chose to spend my money here.

In sum, I didn't complain, because getting the guy fired would not have gotten me my money back, and would have been really mean and pointless. It certainly would not have made my meal better, and I probably would have felt bad in the end. The truth is, I get the moral high ground. I was the nice guy who did the decent think. I mean, maybe he was just having a bad night, right? We all do. And you can't expect every meal, even expensive ones to be perfect. Still, I feel like a jackass for being the idiot who had to go to the nice restaraunt. Pretty short sighted? Yeah. But then, why get worked up about it in the end. I guess the meditation is doing some good after all. Or maybe its the welbutrin. I dont know. At least this time mary was the one seeing red, and I was the voice of reason and restraint. That was a nice change. Seeing how most of the time I quietly wish I could call down fire and brimstone. You know, lay cities to waste and what have you.

So why did I write about this. Considering I come out look like the chump jackass with the planning skills and the foresight of a toddler. Who knows. Something to write about while mary shoots the breeze with...someone. Hope you all enjoyed a funny story about a miserable night. If nothing else you feel better about your thursday? whats a little schadenfreude between friends, right?

Joe Blow.
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

Subject:the chinese word for crisis is a mix of the characters for danger and opportunity. Crisitunity!
Time:12:29 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Ooooo...dreams. So I have had this dream that last two nights in a row, right? I'm in my house (apartment, dwelling, whatever, its a dream nothing is especially concrete). I keep looking out my window, and I can see this figure, shadowy dangerous lurking type. You know, the kind what grabs you when you aren't paying attention. For some reason, I'm certain that this figure is trying to kill me. So I can't leave my house (apartment, dwelling) or if I do, I have to sneak out and kill the figure before it kills me.

So there are options for interpretation. The first is my usual. Dreams are brain noise and mean pretty much nothing. Your subconcious throws some random shit together and makes you a little movie. The second is that I'm paranoid and since I'm usually pretty high strung and wary, it's just manifesting itself in slumberland. But the third is what I was thinking about earlier this morning. This option, i warn ahead, is pretty easily explained as me reading things into a situation where no such things exist.

In zen the number one problem you face is your shoga, or small self. Now, this is the person we generally identify ourself as. He (in my case, it may be she, in yours) is the one that manifests your pride, your individuality, your fears, your prejudices, your hopes, your dreams, and pretty much every other part of your personality that you would readily identify as you. Well the problem, according to the zen masters of past and present, is that the shoga isn't real. The shoga is noise and delusion. You must find your taiga, or big self (true self). This is the one you dont even know because your whole life you have been listening to and augmenting your small self. What you must do, through zazen and what have you, is kill your shoga. You must, as Robert Aitken Roshi says, die to your self.

So given that, here is the last and if not accurate, most substantive interpretation to me. As I'm sitting there thinking about this dream (it was pretty disturbing, what with the certitude of murder and what have you) i begin to think, ah! My small self is fighting back, trying to scare me into staying in my dwelling, which, representing all worldly goods and desires, is what is holding me back. But then, and i like this one better, i thought, no. I'm my small self. And I'm afraid. Here I am safe in my dwelling, looking out my nice window, and here is this guy, who I don't know, who I can't even really see (shadowy lurking etc) and i'm afraid. Because he's going to kill me. This is my taiga, just waiting for me to finally courage up and step out of my delusion, so I can die, and become me.

ooooo...deeeeep. So that was my dream and my interpretation. Pretty wild and probably silly. It's amazing what you think about when you dont have a job to deal with. that said, I'm heading off to practice a little zazen and try to get out of my house.

Joe Blow.
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